here, ravel
I heard somewhere once that if you have trouble with your opening line then it’s not where your work begins. This is a series of opening lines. I’ve started this so many times. I’ve been sitting here for a year wanting everything to be perfect. & the thing is, I didn’t want everything to be perfect. Just: right. & as #relatable as that sentiment might be, it’s my unfortunate truth. I want to be right. Good. I ache with it most days but haven’t figured out yet how to fix something unfixable. Unwrong. Anyway.
What I mean is: a year ago this unshakeable urge came over me to start this & I’ve done my best to shake it anyway.
It’s easy to do: you close your eyes. You look this way, you check the mail, do the dishes, fill the cat bowl, go to work, turn away & away & away until you can’t quite tell which direction you turned from, which corner wants your attention. If it pulls at your eyelids, tugs at a shoulder, well, you’ve already learned how best to spin into a distraction. Some people must do this their entire lives & never be happy. I bet their homes are always clean, their laundry folded & tucked in neat drawers.
What I mean is: I am not a good dancer. Not particularly good at folding.
I like things that are both themselves & not themselves.
Here is both attention & offer. Something you can point to even as it outstretches. It shifts even as it stays still. Here. It’s a word that gives its user the benefit of knowing both where they are & what they’re giving up. Here, I want to give this to you. Or Stay here with me awhile.
Ravel is both to unwind & wind – fix, unfix – clench & smooth. It’s something like love that is to be both undone & complete at the same time. Mess, unmess. I love how soft it feels in my mouth. Ravel. How delicate it looks on a page. Ravel.
In any pairing here, ravel is threaded offering, rooted turmoil. It is me saying: if I can give anything, here, take this, I want to give this here to you delicate, unmess with me, stay here with me, clench awhile, where you are outstretches, unfixed like love or giving up, here, at the same time, here, where you shift still & soft. take whatever you can carry. I want to give this to you.
